Snippets of Discovery, by Julie
We both liked the same boy.
I had complicated feelings about her. I was jealous of both of them when they spent time alone
She and I would often cuddle.
But that’s normal female behavior.
I kept him. She was too hard to keep.
THE BEST FRIEND
The snow fell down gently now. We’d had a good night with my old roommates, and now he was
walking me home. I loved these nights. When my best friend and I could escape, be alone.
“I’m gay” he broke the silence
I slipped and he caught me. I looked at him.
“I’m not surprised.” I said
We cried together a lot the next few weeks.
Laura Bush came to BYU.
“Is it cool if I bring a friend to the fireside?” he asked
Friend and best friend kissed in front of me. I didn’t believe they were dating.
Best friend took me to dinner the next night and came out again, this time about his boyfriend.
I cried alone that night. God told me best friend was still loved and still okay.
“The spirit told me to stay friends with him” I said
“How? It hurts too much” she said
“If you need to end that friendship do, you don’t owe anyone” I so longed for connection and tonight I’d
finally found it. I didn’t have best friend to process my increasingly complex feelings with about this.
It was good advice.
She ended her friendship with my best friend. He stopped talking to me.
I stopped talking about anything important.
Best friend started talking to me again.
I still bear the scars of broken trust.
But I can’t be alone anymore.
“I’m scared” I say
“I love you anyway” he says. He knows something big is coming.
Because that’s what we do. We love each other despite my roommate and his girlfriend and his
boyfriend and my trust issues. Or maybe because we’ve been there for each other through it all.
“I’m bi” I say
He hugs me.
We talk a lot the next few weeks.
I feel alone again. I cross stitch a rainbow “love one another”
It was one of those middle of the night have to follow through now promptings.
Sister tells me being an ally is wrong.
I vow never to come out.
Father’s day after the shooting. I have so many thoughts. I don’t want random internet people outing
me to my family. So I come out to them.
“is it because of Best Friend” my mom asked
I know she thinks it is. But I remember Roommate. I remember high school.
Dad is surprisingly okay. But never asked about it again.
“Of course you like girls, everyone does, just ignore that part” sister really doesn’t get the whole
empathy towards vulnerable people thing. Also what the heck?
I went on a date with a woman.
It was General conference weekend. In Provo. I chickened out and didn’t text her again.
I think about her still.
I stopped going to church. They changed the temple recommend questions. I disagree with some church
I miss community though.
And I still love God. I love heaven. I love the comfort I get from the profound and unique relationship I
have with heavenly Parents.
And I still have scars. Scars of secret crushes and broken hearts and broken trust.
I am happyish. I am moving forward. I may try dating again soon. But I’m still scared. Because I don’t fit.
I’m bi. I’m Mormon. I’m pretty middle of the road in just about everything.
But I am here. And I am worthy. And I won’t hide anymore.